You say that when you treat the tantrum as self-expression, he doesn’t stop. Good. He is not supposed to stop raging or saying what he wants. On the contrary, when you listen and validate, he feels safe and free to self-express. The actual listening with no conditions or expectations is the result.

When listened to peacefully, the child concludes that he is powerful enough to experience feelings. He learns that crying is nothing to fear and that he is worthy of your love however he is (he doesn’t have to be always happy; what a relief!). If he keeps “making demands,” keep listening: He may be right and you are being unnecessarily restrictive or he may be caught in believing that he cannot live unless he gets what he wants, and that if he goes on you will change reality for him.

Peace Attracts Peace

What would change the dynamics between you and your son is the realization that life is going the perfect way already, regardless of wants and plans. The law of attraction is very popular these days, but in our materialistic culture, we aim at attracting what we want instead of a state of joy. In reality, being happy with what you have attracts more happiness. The child is not dependent on getting anything in order to be joyful. He is born happy. The rest is a story we teach by modeling and by our responses to his wants.

When children experience themselves as autonomous (not restricted) and their parents as their allies, they welcome guidance. They trust their parents because they know for sure, “Mom and Dad are doing everything for me.” They are able to enjoy life that does not always go their way, based on observing and following their parents.

Oliver, at about age three, gets into his coat and shoes with my help; he takes his ball and is ready to go to the park. He is very excited. The phone rings. A mother needs my guidance. I go over to the entry where Oliver is standing holding the ball, ready to go.

I say, “We are not going now.”

“Why?” Oliver asks.

“There is a mother on the phone who needs me.”

“Ah,” Oliver responds. (Notice if you feel sad here, which is what you would teach your child in a similar situation.)

Oliver is beaming with joy as he puts the ball aside, takes off his shoes and runs into the playroom. He is so excited that he forgets to take off his coat. Oliver is living in the moment, loving life as it changes. I never taught him to be sad in the face of change.

Years later, when “bad news” arrives and we learn that our plan collapsed because the cello teacher we relied on is moving, Oliver’s brother says promptly, “How exciting, I wonder where this will take us.” Oliver laughs and we all enjoy the anticipation and, of course, what comes our way is much better than the canceled plan.

Trusting the child’s (and your own) inner joy and emotional strength can save years of tantrums. You think he can’t handle it; well, he can. Can you handle his process of handling it?

How do They Learn to Rage?

The reason some well-bonded and cared for children become obsessed with getting their way is that in our great love, with best of intentions, we teach them that they are emotionally weak and cannot be content unless they get what they want. We panic when they cry and we do acrobatics to prevent any upset or tears. Although it is, indeed, best to carry the baby at all times and respond promptly to her needs, it is not necessary to panic or to eliminate her emotional expression.

The child who must have her way will often feel outraged at her parents, hitting and throwing things, because she expects an unattainable universe – a wonderland in which she can have whatever she wants. She feels cheated because reality differs from the promised illusion. (Reality is actually much better when the child learns to love whatever comes.)

You are the teacher. When a toddler falls, he looks to you to know what to feel. If you smile, he gets up and moves on or (if hurt) he comes for a hug and then runs on. In the same way, he looks to you to know how to feel about not getting what he wants. If you rush to respond to every wish in the same way you have responded to your baby’s primal needs, he assumes his wants are as urgent as love, safety and food and will scream accordingly. In spite of the way he sounds, not getting the candy is not a trauma; the child is not abducted, molested or injured.

The child cannot stop and ask himself, “Will I really die if I don’t get the candy or go to the park?” If he could see the truth (that not getting it is fine too), he would become capable of not always having his wishes come true. Powerful people are not those who must have what they want but those who can do without it. They have goals and take actions without being dependent on a particular outcome; they respond to changes with joy.

The Validation Confusion

Many parents confuse validation with sympathy. Excessive and dramatized validation and a rush to compensate or distract teaches the toddler that something is wrong and that she is victimized and hurt. She then feels worse and may hit and rage even more.

In response to this confusion, I now teach to simplify validation. It is often best to just listen and give a hug. Or, you can say something simple like, “I understand how you feel.” Other times you may want to acknowledge facts in a benign tone of voice. The child then feels connected; she knows that you know what she experiences, that her feelings are valid, worth experiencing and not a problem.

Instead of saying, “Oh no, what a bummer. You must be upset because you wanted so badly to play with Liz’s doll…” you can say, “I see that you wish you could play with Liz’s doll. I notice that Liz is playing with it now. What would you like to do instead?” If she wants to cry, you offer your loving arms and ears but no repeated narration of drama or trying to fix reality for her. She can handle reality if you can. Hug and kiss her, tell her you love her, but don’t drown with her in her story. This way she can hold on to you (her connection to reality) and come out of the “water" (her drama). If you are calm, she is likely to cry or rage and eventually (there is no time limit here) choose something else to do.

Peace Starts with You

Teach peace by being at peace with your son’s tantrum. He will cry fully and know that crying is for crying. Meanwhile find where you model that life must go your way. One of the best places to start is in your relationship with your son. When he doesn’t get his way, he screams. When he screams, you don’t get your way because you want a peaceful and happy child and he isn’t. So you try to appease, distract or do something to stop his screams. He sees a parent who cannot handle life not going her way; she wants a happy child.

Even if you manage to hide your feelings, catch your internal war about your child’s tantrum. Notice how, when you believe that he shouldn’t scream, you feel anxious and your own mind is screaming. Then, imagine yourself without your idea that he should be happy all the time and that he should not scream.

Can you see how peaceful you would be without your illusions? You could love your child unconditionally, no matter how he feels. He is not being traumatized. He is only believing the thought he learned to believe, that he must get his way. If your goal is to stop his screaming, you are like him, wanting life to go your way.

Once you start catching your mind at war with your child’s tantrum, write down the thoughts that you find yourself unintentionally obeying: My child is unhappy; he should be happy all the time; he shouldn’t scream; I am a bad mother;

I look bad when my child screams… etc. Check each thought to see if it is valid, useful or worth believing. Mostly, does this thought connect or separate you and your child? Are you the parent you want to be when you believe this thought? Then check how you would be without each thought and notice the relief and the freedom to love your son. Instead of manipulating him out of his rage, bring peace into yourself.

Will He Stop Raging If I Become Peaceful?

If you are peaceful with him, you won’t need him to be anything other than how he is. As I said before, it is best not to do things for the sake of a particular outcome. Instead, when you respond from a place of peace, you will stay connected and you will understand your son and be able to better meet his needs.

Your child may like screaming or he may enjoy some pay-offs you unintentionally offer. The mind loves to repeat itself and tends to find a proof that it is worthwhile. So just love him, expecting nothing in return; your love is the return.

Some children rage a lot because too many of their wants are denied. Be kind and plan life in a way that honors your child’s particular needs. Don’t take him on your errands or insist that he play by himself or with wee ones of his age. Provide conditions and predict the way things might go so you can prevent unnecessary difficulties. Be authentic and kind. If you can provide, do so without him having to nag first. But if something is not possible, don’t compensate or panic. Treat all events of life as equally trivial and delightful.

Model to your child that whatever happens is a wonder to behold. Show how excited you are to find out what’s for dinner instead of the burnt stew or how much fun it is to change the tire. Laugh at yourself and love however your child feels. Life is not an orchestrating job; it is here to be discovered as it unfolds.

Naomi Aldort is the author of the book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy. Parents from around the globe seek Aldort’s advice by phone, in person and by listening to her CDs and attending her workshops. Her advice columns appear in progressive parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU and UK, and are translated to German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese and Spanish. She is married and a mother of three. Her youngest son is the 13-year-old cellist Oliver Aldort – see www.OliverAldort.com. For more information: www.NaomiAldort.com or www.AuthenticParent.com. She also writes a regular column for Natural Life magazine.